Hello, 2020

Hello, my friends.

The last decade has been quite the intense one-- full of changes, growth, surprises.

2009 Amber had just graduated high-school, and had no interest in college. As far as she was concerned, she would never do the college thing.

She was anxious about not being married yet, because not being at least engaged at 18 was definitely horrifying.

She was still in the blissful state of not over-questioning her faith. She had questions, but they were, for the most part, easily answered.

She was perturbed by the monotony and predictable-ness of her life.

She had two friend groups-- one of which was 99% online. She hadn't found "her people" yet, not off-line. 

She thought she had to wear large or extra large clothes to hide her body.

She thought she needed to fit into a perfect mold-- aka quiet, calm, even-keeled, controlled, reserved. Showing emotion was complicated.

Then she met people who challenged that notion. People who were vibrant and expressive, who didn't keep all their cards close to their chest, and strangely--they still had friends even though they didn't over-analyze everything they said.

Then she met that online friend group in person. And realized there were even more people who didn't fit her long clung to definition of perfect, that they were still amazing people.

She abandoned her definition of perfect, then. But realized something else: That it was hard to break out of a mold you had already made for yourself, that you had already presented to others. She didn't know how to just change how she behaved when her friends expected something else.

Then 2013. A push from Mom not to stagnate. A decision to go to college.

It was the best decision 2013 Amber could have made, and she faced things she had been terrified to. Taking an SAT. And silly as it sounds-- Taking public speaking and three different college math classes. 2009 Amber would have died.

With college came questioning. Bible classes that made her reflect on where the Bible actually came from, that cultural context was important, that it could impact interpretation of the Bible, that it was healthy for one's beliefs to change as they studied and learned more.

2013 Amber also took this chance to rebrand herself. Starting day one at college, she presented as an extrovert-- She chatted with people around her before class, sat with new people at lunch, attended all random socializing activities possible.

She made an agreement with herself-- if she thought something, she would just say it-- no over-analysis.

And it went well. People liked her, they invited her to hang out, chose to sit next to her in class, waved her over at lunch. It was weird, and so she began slowly integrating the “say things without over-analysis” rule with other friends. She became more authentic.

2013 Amber also experienced loneliness for the first time-- the year she stayed in the dorms. Not because she didn't have friends at college, but because they weren't close friends-- how could they be, she'd known them barely a year-- not to mention they had all known each other since high-school. The contrast felt awkward.

2013-2017 Amber did things 2009 Amber would not have believed herself capable of. She did 17-21 credit hours of classes, worked 30-40 hours a week, applied for and got “scary” jobs that required a lot of social improvisation. She branched out from her safe social interactions that she had scripts for, and accepted new ones--waitressing and calling. Her heart pounded every time, but she showed up and grew.

She learned that she didn't need to wait for a guy to ask her out-- that she could vocalize her feelings and be okay with the results, whether they felt the same way or not.

She learned that despite her growth, she didn't know herself, even then.

2016 Amber was dissatisfied with being single. She did something 2009 would have balked at-- she tried the dating scene. She was even more dissatisfied with the dating scene than being single.

2017 Amber became comfortable with the idea of being single, and staying single--another concept 2009 Amber would have balked at. She began making plans for the first time assuming that she wouldn't get married in the remotely near future, and it was invigorating and freeing.

2017 Amber also didn't know what on earth she wanted to do. She'd had nine jobs in the last eight years, she wanted something to stick with for a while that could support her while making art.

So she settled for a steady, simple, low-energy office job. She did well-- going from data entry to accounting in a year. It was the first job she felt content in for that long. It still is, which feels weird to say. 2009 Amber would have been appalled at how little it has to do with any of my passions. But it supports and allows for my passions.

The last couple years have been full of even more growth. Reconciling faith with spectrums of gender and sexuality, realizing that, once again, things are not as straight-forward as they had seemed ten years ago.

Reconciling that people can and will cause pain, no matter who they are or what their intentions are. That healing starts in the self and with acceptance.

2019 Amber is still Christian, still a pianist, sketcher, writer, bookworm, nature-lover, gamer, lover of languages, thirsty for learning new things, dedicated to staying physically fit.

2019 Amber has realized the Bible is more nuanced than first blush, that God is bigger than they imagined. 2019 Amber has allowed meditation and Buddhism to have a place in their life. They have discovered and embraced minimalism. They have a bachelor's with a minor, and a full resumé.

2019 Amber is okay speaking without constant over-analysis, acting without the need for their actions to be "feminine" or perfectly thought out. They're okay with not fitting in, they're okay with holding things and people loosely-- acknowledging that the ebb and flow of life is natural and good. Showing emotion is still hard, but is a work in progress.

2019 Amber still doesn't know what it means to be themselves-- still doesn't know where natural self ends and trained self starts. They still don't completely know who they are, but they are healthier, more at ease, stronger, wiser, more determined, more real.


Hello, 2020. This last year has been rough, but I am ready for you.

Hello, 20's. This last decade has been a roller coaster of a ride, and I am ready to grow even more.

You Want to be What When You Grow Up?

Art.

We love it, we hold up famous writers, singers, poets, painters, etc. as genius and praise-worthy figures.

But what goes through your mind when you hear someone, not one of those select successful few, say the words, "I'm an artist", or "I want to be an artist"?

In one of my classes this semester, we've been talking about how our jobs tend to define us. If someone asks, "What does your mom do for a living?" the answer is typically something like, "My mom is a [insert job title]." "My mom is a teacher" or "My mom is an accountant". 
Jobs tend to define identity.

It quickly struck me that this creates into a huge problem when it comes to the artistic community.

Growing up, though we may be encouraged to pursue artistic interests and abilities, there is still always the question of, "What do you want to do when you grow up?". Before reality sets in, there are excited, passionate answers of, "I want to be an actress!" or "I want to be a singer!", and these, while nodded to with a patient smile, are still followed up with, "But what do you want to be when you grow up?".

Friends, family, acquaintances, all alike, ask this question, and eventually we learn that, most of the time, "I want to be an artist!" is not an acceptable answer. As we do, an element of something like shame begins to connect itself with this dream of ours. Our answer to questions of what we want to be quickly become awkwardly mumbled, "Oh, I don't know"'s, or even well thought out alternative careers that would be acceptable, and we may even find interesting, but are far from what we actually are passionate about or want long-term.

We dream of telling the stories of our hearts, of creating pictures only we can see, of making new things that not only bring us joy to give birth to, but also spur wonder in those we share our works with. 

We want to be artists.

But that, generally, doesn't pay bills. Being an artist isn't a career, unless you are lucky and sell millions of books. Correct answers are things like wanting to be a teacher, or police officer, or doctor, or farmer. It doesn't even have to make a lot of money, as long as it makes enough to live off of, as long as it is stable, as long as it is easily labeled. 

"What does she do for a living?"
"Oh, she's a teacher!"
"Cool!"

End conversation.

Much more pleasant sounding than:

"What does she do for a living?"
"Well, she works in retail, or as a stocker, or something..."
"Oh." [insert quiet judgement about said person's life/wonderings of why they don't get a "real job"]

Yes, artists need a way to pay bills until maybe one day they can support themselves fully off of their art. It's just a fact. But the issue arises when that practical job oversteps its bounds. When that happens, the identity of "Artist" becomes clouded. The Artist could lose themselves in a job they may find interesting, but that they have little to no passion for. And what then? 

We all know that identity is important to human beings. We naturally find labels for ourselves and others to try and name them. We can have more than one  "identity", because one can be passionate about more than one thing, but the fact still stands that jobs tend to define a person's identity. Lawyer-- "super smart", Officer-- "super brave", Teacher-- "super brave and super patient"...... Fast Food Worker, Delivery Driver, Stocker... "unskilled", "college-dropout", "going nowhere"? There are exceedingly few positive connotations to these "lesser" jobs.

If we continue to be label ourselves by what we do to make money, it is easy to flounder. It is easy to lose sight of our art and drown in the practical job we have gotten for ourselves. We forget to come up for air by pursuing our real passion. And one day we open our eyes to realize that we have become lost, that we have lost sight of the surface, and have lost the spark that made us us. 

No. We are not necessarily what we do to make money. I may work at a grocery store, but that isn't who I am, and no matter what job I end up in to pay my bills, I will not let it overtake such a large part of my identity.

I am an artist. I am a writer. I am a musician. I create, and I dream of sharing wonder with people. Art is one of my deepest passions, and I refuse to let it be drowned.

We are our passion. Let's not lose it.  

Life Hacking

I feel like I've seen that title somewhere before at some point. But "how to balance life, health, people, things you love, and sanity" seemed a bit much for a title, so "life hacking" was the best I could manage.

So, you probably know what this post is going to detail!

How to balance life, health,  people, things you love to do, and sanity!

I don't claim to be an expert on the matter, but since I've had the schedule of two and a half people for the past couple years, without having a health or mental breakdown, I'd say I at least I could give some helpful advice on the matter! Why do I think this? Allow me to give you my credentials:
I take between 17 and 21 credit hours a semester, and manage to maintain mostly A's.
I work 40+ hours a week at three different jobs, one of which is about thirty minutes away.
I still exercise on a regular basis.
I still have a social life.
I still make art (drawing and writing).
I'm still learning two different languages, and creating my own.
I still get through a non-school-related book about every two to three weeks, depending.
I still maintain three instruments (though, I will admit, not as well as I'd like).
I've only gotten really sick (more than a bit of a stuffy nose) once in the past year.
I've not yet gone insane! Yay!

So yes. There are my credentials.
Onward!

First, possibly most importantly, taking care of mental health!

1) Make time for people. Not having any social life and becoming a hermit is the first step toward slipping into an unhealthy mental state. Hanging out with friends is super important. And I'm not saying that as an extrovert. I consider myself an ambivert, but I'm slightly more introverted. I need my alone-time as much as any other introvert, but people are still important. So hanging out with friends at least once a week is important.

2) Next, is making time for things that you enjoy. For me, that entails taking some classes that are for pure enjoyment, making time for language learning, art, and reading. Lucky for me, since I attend classes, that gives me time for art and some language, since I need to be able to doodle to focus properly anyway. Also, driving time is something that is often overlooked as wasted time. Some people listen to podcasts that they find interesting, I play my language audio lessons or brainstorm for stories, some people listen to music they like. Breaks at work are another aspect I used to overlook. They are perfect for getting some reading done, or working on writing.

3) Take time to chill. Fun things are great. Hobbies are great. People are great. But whether you're an introvert or extrovert, you need quite time. Meditation has gotten a weird sort've rep, but it is super healthy. Just spending time sitting, not letting yourself think about school, or work, or anything worrisome, just focusing on a soothing sound or image.

Second is taking care of the body!
Seriously, this is one of the ones that so easily get overlooked, and you can't optimize your time if either your body or your mind are messed up.
So:

1) Make time for *some* kind of physical activity. This could be anything from a fifteen minute workout session (T-tapp can be good for this), to a walk, to a dance class, to whatever. Anything that gets you up and moving! I take a Ballet class twice a week, as well as a karate class once a week. When the weather isn't wretched, I try to walk my dog once a week as well. This isn't super intense, but they help keep me in a habit at least!

2) Eating healthy. This can be the hardest, but it's still important. If nothing else, cut out certain unhealthy foods. For me, that's been cutting out chewable sugars. That sounds stupid when I say it, but it actually cuts down on a lot of my sugar consumption. Because that mostly just leaves coffee drinks, ice cream, and pudding. Which I get tired of pretty quickly, and don't have unlimited access to.
Also, just adding small things helps as well. Drinking matcha on a regular basis (yay antioxidants and stuff!), fruit flavored V8, taking supplements, etc. And at least attempting to eat somewhat healthily. If budgeting is a factor, you can look at this here post I wrote about eating healthily on a budget: Poof!
Also, this may seem obvious, but actually take time to eat. For a while, I decided that eating was too problematic to deal with, so I ate less than half of how much I should've been eating. That is not a good idea, fyi.

3) Related to eating healthy, but I figure I should say it because I've heard of so many people ignoring this: Stay hydrated. Coffee and soda and energy drinks, etc. are not replacements of water. Eight cups a day *of water*, at least! 

4) This is super simple. Essentially, just SLEEP. I can't stress how important sleep is. This is coming from someone who first took sleep totally for granted, and then just plain old stoped being able to sleep like a normal person.
Seven to eight hours of sleep is optimal. Not seven to eight hours of laying in bed-- seven to eight hours of *actual* sleep. Which means that you need to be in bed at least ten minutes before you need to actually be asleep. You know your sleep best-- some people can fall asleep in just a few minutes of getting in bed. For me, it takes anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour to fall asleep.
If you have trouble sleeping like a normal person, look into supplements. I take Calcium and an herbal tincture before bed to help me sleep. I also sleep in a hammock, which also helps. Diffusing essential oils by my bed and having some sort of white noise going on are other helpful things that have worked for me.
Bottom line: GET THE SLEEPS. Take it from me, if you don't get the sleeps, you will not be able to do the super busy thing without keeling over.
And don't ignore the power of naps. I often will take a nap in between classes or just before work. Study cubby, car, couch... You don't need to be in a bed to take a nap! They say the sweet spot of naps is between ten and twenty minutes. More than that, and you drop into a deeper sleep that makes you groggy when you wake up, so avoid that.
I've also started utilizing "F.lux", which is a thing you can download that adjusts the color/brightness of your computer screen depending on the time of day, which lessens the trouble screens cause your sleep cycle.

Finally, something I already sort've touched on, how do you make time for these things? It's fine to *say* that you're going to exercise, but if you have all the busyness, it's harder to actually follow through on that.

Essentially, it's learning how to utilize the empty time. That is driving time, breaks at work, time between classes, etc. Driving time? Listen to audio-books, podcasts, audio-lessons... Or just brainstorm for writing or other art! Breaks at work? Read, write, nap, study language, draw, meditate, study! I was really surprised to find out much open time I had when I really looked. On the average day, I'll minimally have an hour in between one of my classes, a thirty minute work break, a fifteen minute work break, and an hour of driving time. That's almost three hours!  Once you utilize that dead-space with things that can be done in those times, you can use more open times to do more demanding things like exercise and spend time with friends.

Also, if you're a school-go'er, try to get an on-campus job that will let you study during slow times. That has been a life-saver (grade-saver?) for me, because once I finish work-related duties, I still usually have a decent amount of time to finish assignments, or get some writing or reading done, or whatever else can be done at a desk.

So yes.
It took me quite a while to finally get down a rhythm and know-how to figure out how to balance life, sanity, health, and people and hobbies I love. I hope this can help other peeps somehow!

-The Raven

Happy New Year!

So, a new year and stuff!

I don't like doing "resolutions" and stuff, but I do have some goals that have sprouted up for the near future!

First, as some of you know, I just got back from a writers' conference. The combination of the awesome sessions and amazing friends has encouraged me to get back into writing on a regular basis. I've decided to take a new strategy in approaching my stories, and also intentionally making time to write at least 300 words a day, whether I feel like it or not. I know, I know, that doesn't sound like a lot, but at this point I'm more worried about getting to a habit rather than getting a lot written. Especially since school and work will shortly be eating up the majority of my life again!

Second: I recently joined NerdFitness, which I highly recommend by the way, and yesterday one of the regular four-week challenges started. Though these are regular, this is the first one I've been able to join in on, and I'm excited about it!  Essentially, it focuses on small goes to get to a larger end.

So, between now and January 29th, I will be working to maintain these goals:

Diet:
- Eat vegetable with one meal every day
- Keep a food journal
- Have no more than one sugary food and drink a day (but no soda, because I've already cut that out mostly)

Fitness:
- Complete the NF bodyweight workout at least once a week
- Go for a walk with my dog at least once a week
- Practice my wall handstand at least three times a week

Life Level-Up:
- Meditate for 10 minutes a day

-----

Yep! We'll see how well it goes!
Especially with school starting next week!

Three, two, one, jump!

-Raven

Gossips, Those they Gossip to, And those Affected

There are many things in this world that I do not understand.
Weather, balance (the art of not falling over nothing), Kansas, why spiders are a thing...
Math.

But one of the biggest things I don't understand is people. Specifically, gossips.

Why do people feel the need to tell stories, false stories in particular, about other people? People they consider "friends"?

Why do people feel the need to believe those people? Without checking facts, getting the other side of the story, or even thinking it through. Gasp! What is this? Critical thinking? Not believing everything I hear like a mindless zombie?? Whaaat?

Yes, this subject really makes me angry. Yes, I have been the victim of gossip before, which has always gotten straightened out more or less painlessly. But more importantly, I've known good people who have been the victim of false gossipers, those who believe without thinking it through, and had their reputation messed up by it.

On the subject of gossip itself:

WHY?

Why would you talk about your friends (or just people in general, really) without speaking any sort of truth or love, and not caring what the consequences are for yourself or for the other people? Why would you intentionally lie about people just to "get back at them" or whatever the end goal is? Is that loving your neighbor? Is that treating others as you would be treated? Is that pleasing to God in the least? At all? Ever?

On the subject of listening to gossip:

If you are bent on listening to gossip, please, at least check the facts. If it is a mutual friend you're hearing gossip about, stop and think it through for Pete's sake! Does the gossip really match up to that person's life, morals, and just what you know about that person? Get the other side of the story! As humans, both sides of the story are apt to be skewed to some degree, so get both sides and line them up and think.

So. Yeah.

C'mon, people.

Let us LOVE one another, and spread truth, hope, and love. Set your mind on things above. If you think you've been wronged, you know what, you are not called to deal with it. Where has God ever said, "If someone wrongs you, wrong them even more, or at least just as much, for this is pleasing to Me"? Doesn't sound like the God I know, people. Sounds like the opposite. Sounds like someone who wants to break friendships, ruin lives, and make God really sad.

Think about what you hear, think about what you say and do.

Peace out.

- The Raven

Stitch Fix!

Not long ago, I heard about this new craze called "Stitch Fix". Essentially, it is for people like me who 1) are bad at putting clothes together, 2) dislike shopping, and 3) like getting random things in the mail.

So, I decided that I would try this wondrous thing. It's only $20, and they send you a box of five clothing items that you can decide to buy, or, if not, send back. The initial $20 goes toward any clothes you decide to buy. And if you keep everything in the box, you get a 25% discount.

After deciding this, filling out my style profile, and creating a Pinterest board to better help my stylist to send me things I'd like, my cheapskate side kicked in. And I decided that no, I do not want to spend $20 on a box of clothes that I may or may not end up liking, fitting into, or being able to afford. What was I thinking?? I needed to cancel the scheduled fix and the crisis would be averted!

Aaaand then my forgetful side kicked in. I forgot to cancel the fix I'd scheduled. And so guess what arrived in the mail today!

Stitch Fix!

First of all, it was super fun to get a box of random mystery clothes that were picked out specifically to match my style profile.

Second of all, I was pleasantly surprised at how well the stylist did picking out things that I liked!

So, here is a list of the various things that were in my box!

Number One:

A cute beaded bracelet. The clasp was a little confusing at first, but I actually do like it pretty well, and it fits all right. Won't be keeping it, because while I do like it, I don't love it, so I can't justify spending $30-something on it.

Number Two:

A pretty dark blue, flowy shirt that is super comfy and fits me like a glove. The little ties get tangled easily, though, which made me momentarily grumpy as I had to untangle a knot in them, but overall I really loved this shirt. A lot.

Price: $50-something

Number Three:

An open, off-white cardigan that is super soft and floppy and cuddle-up-in-on-a-rainy-day-ish. Wasn't a total fan of how it actually fit, though I feel like I would have gotten used to it pretty quickly. Main problem with this one was that it was off-white... any kind of whites and I do not get along. So sadly, this one was out of the running as soon as I saw the color.
Price: $70-something

Number Four:

Dark brown, super soft, pants. I actually really love the color, and the texture of the fabric, buuuut.... it doesn't fit very well. Actually, it might just be because they're straight-leg jeans, which I'm not a huge fan of. Sadface.
In the second pic you can see a pretty little embroidery thingy on the back pocket which was cool.
Price: $90-something

Number Five:

Okay, so.... this one is my favorite, hands down, though the blue shirt does come in close. A knit, funnel-neck sweater.
Is super comfy, has a front pocket, and fits really well. The sleeves are just a smidge short (which I actually think is just a me-preference thing because I like long sleeves to practically cover my hand), but is so nice!
Price: $60-something

Final verdit?
I approve of Stitch Fix. The price of the various items are kinda high (for me... being a cheapskate... ahem...) but the stylist got my style pretty straight on, and things actually fit.
Shall I keep anything?
I'm still undecided. But if I do, it will either be the blue shirt or the funnel-neck sweater. If I had endless money, I would buy both in a heartbeat. But alas, I do not, so I have a difficult decision before me. =P

If you decide you want to try this out too, you can use this link to sign up!
Click here!

^^ if you use that link, I will get monies toward my next Stitch Fix if you actually decide to schedule a box, soooo.... Use that link if you decide to do it!

Peace out!

- Raven

Eating Well on a Budget

As a college student with limited monies, it can be hard to figure out how to balance food-budget and health. For a while, I actually just gave up and opted for the cheap, convenient, not terribly nourishing foods. Unfortunately, that didn't go over well with my body, and I ended up feeling tired 90% of the time, randomly feeling sick for no reason, and having bouts of dizziness. 

Not good, no?

So, I started putting a little more thought into what I was buying, and found out that really, buying certain healthy foods actually doesn't cost a whole lot more than buying cheap-y food from Wal-mart (ramen noodles, mac'n'cheese, frozen pizza) or going to fast food restaurants and buying off the value menu. Because admit it, sure, you can buy five things of ramen noodles for a dollar, but who is going to actually willingly eat ramen for every single meal? It's more likely you'll eat them throughout the week, but supplement it with more "tasty" foods from fast food restaurants, which adds up pretty quick.

• Bread - loaf of wheat bread is ~$3 (lasts about a week and a half)
• Eggs - a dozen of the free range eggs are almost $4 right now, thanks to the egg shortage, but usually are between $2 - $3 (lasts about a week and a half)
• Beef - depends on what you get, but you can get those four-packs of little steaks at Wal-mart for $4 - $5 (lasts four days)
• Milk - a gallon is about $4 (lasts a couple weeks)
• Yogurt - the real good Greek yogurt is ~$4 (lasts about a week)
• V8 - ~$3 (lasts about five days)
• Rice - good brown rice is ~$2 (lasts about a week and a half)
• EmergenC - if you buy it at Sams Club, you can get a three-pack for ~$15, rather than $8 for one box at Wal-mart (one box lasts about a month)
• Frozen vegetables - ~$2 if you get one of the yummy stir-fry mixes (lasts about two weeks)
• Frozen fruit - ~$3 (lasts about a week)
• Frozen hashbrowns - ~$3 (lasts about a week and a half)
• Applesauce - ~$3 if you get the good stuff without corn syrup (lasts a little over a week)
• Lunch meat - the good, natural, no nitrate stuff is ~$4 (lasts about four days)
• Granola bars - the good ones that have protein and fiber are ~$3-4

If I bought everything on this list (including the 3-month supply of EmergenC), it would cost about $64.  Needless to say, I rarely buy everything on this list for my week's supply of food. Typically, I only spend $15-$20 a week on food. The best thing is that these things lend themselves to diversity, so there's little danger of getting completely tired of something and not wanting to eat it ever again. Which is the problem I ran into with eating ramen noodles, mac'n'cheese, and dollar menu items too much.

Here's a quick overview of what I use these things for:

• Bread - Used for sandwiches (obviously), egg-in-the-windows, toast, or dipping in yogurt
• Eggs - Eaten on their own, as sandwiches, or mixed into fried rice
• Beef - Cut up and frozen in individual bags with soy sauce. Then when you're ready to eat it, you can just thaw a single bag and cook it up on its own, or mixed into rice or veggies. * I make sure to freeze the pieces flat so they don't freeze together in a ball and make it ten times harder to cook.
• Yogurt - Mix fruits into it, or use for smoothies, or just eat on its own.
• V8 - I know, V8 is disgusting, *but*, the fruit fusion V8s actually taste good, and you get a good dose of fruits and veggies. If you have high blood pressure problems, this can be a bad choice because it has high sodium, but since I have low blood pressure, it's actually a good thing!
• Rice - Most versatile thing ever! Mix in veggies, meat, or brown sugar and cinnamon, or eat it on its own... If you don't have time to make it in a rice cooker, the Minute Brown Rice is good too.
• EmergenC - Drunk on its own, or, my favorite, mixed into yogurt. It gives the yogurt a yummy whipped texture because of the carbonation stuff, and the orange EmergenC makes it taste like orange cream. So. Good.
• Frozen vegetables - Stir-fry, fried rice, etc...
• Frozen fruit - Thawed and eaten on its own, or mixed into smoothies or yogurt.
• Frozen hashbrowns - Delicious cooked up with an egg over it.

And that's that!

Make good food choices!

- The Raven