The last decade has been quite the intense one-- full of changes, growth, surprises.
2009 Amber had just graduated high-school, and had no interest in college. As far as she was concerned, she would never do the college thing.
She was anxious about not being married yet, because not being at least engaged at 18 was definitely horrifying.
She was still in the blissful state of not over-questioning her faith. She had questions, but they were, for the most part, easily answered.
She was perturbed by the monotony and predictable-ness of her life.
She had two friend groups-- one of which was 99% online. She hadn't found "her people" yet, not off-line.
She thought she had to wear large or extra large clothes to hide her body.
She thought she needed to fit into a perfect mold-- aka quiet, calm, even-keeled, controlled, reserved. Showing emotion was complicated.
Then she met people who challenged that notion. People who were vibrant and expressive, who didn't keep all their cards close to their chest, and strangely--they still had friends even though they didn't over-analyze everything they said.
Then she met that online friend group in person. And realized there were even more people who didn't fit her long clung to definition of perfect, that they were still amazing people.
She abandoned her definition of perfect, then. But realized something else: That it was hard to break out of a mold you had already made for yourself, that you had already presented to others. She didn't know how to just change how she behaved when her friends expected something else.
Then 2013. A push from Mom not to stagnate. A decision to go to college.
It was the best decision 2013 Amber could have made, and she faced things she had been terrified to. Taking an SAT. And silly as it sounds-- Taking public speaking and three different college math classes. 2009 Amber would have died.
With college came questioning. Bible classes that made her reflect on where the Bible actually came from, that cultural context was important, that it could impact interpretation of the Bible, that it was healthy for one's beliefs to change as they studied and learned more.
2013 Amber also took this chance to rebrand herself. Starting day one at college, she presented as an extrovert-- She chatted with people around her before class, sat with new people at lunch, attended all random socializing activities possible.
She made an agreement with herself-- if she thought something, she would just say it-- no over-analysis.
And it went well. People liked her, they invited her to hang out, chose to sit next to her in class, waved her over at lunch. It was weird, and so she began slowly integrating the “say things without over-analysis” rule with other friends. She became more authentic.
2013 Amber also experienced loneliness for the first time-- the year she stayed in the dorms. Not because she didn't have friends at college, but because they weren't close friends-- how could they be, she'd known them barely a year-- not to mention they had all known each other since high-school. The contrast felt awkward.
2013 Amber also experienced loneliness for the first time-- the year she stayed in the dorms. Not because she didn't have friends at college, but because they weren't close friends-- how could they be, she'd known them barely a year-- not to mention they had all known each other since high-school. The contrast felt awkward.
2013-2017 Amber did things 2009 Amber would not have believed herself capable of. She did 17-21 credit hours of classes, worked 30-40 hours a week, applied for and got “scary” jobs that required a lot of social improvisation. She branched out from her safe social interactions that she had scripts for, and accepted new ones--waitressing and calling. Her heart pounded every time, but she showed up and grew.
She learned that she didn't need to wait for a guy to ask her out-- that she could vocalize her feelings and be okay with the results, whether they felt the same way or not.
She learned that despite her growth, she didn't know herself, even then.
2016 Amber was dissatisfied with being single. She did something 2009 would have balked at-- she tried the dating scene. She was even more dissatisfied with the dating scene than being single.
2017 Amber became comfortable with the idea of being single, and staying single--another concept 2009 Amber would have balked at. She began making plans for the first time assuming that she wouldn't get married in the remotely near future, and it was invigorating and freeing.
2017 Amber also didn't know what on earth she wanted to do. She'd had nine jobs in the last eight years, she wanted something to stick with for a while that could support her while making art.
So she settled for a steady, simple, low-energy office job. She did well-- going from data entry to accounting in a year. It was the first job she felt content in for that long. It still is, which feels weird to say. 2009 Amber would have been appalled at how little it has to do with any of my passions. But it supports and allows for my passions.
The last couple years have been full of even more growth. Reconciling faith with spectrums of gender and sexuality, realizing that, once again, things are not as straight-forward as they had seemed ten years ago.
Reconciling that people can and will cause pain, no matter who they are or what their intentions are. That healing starts in the self and with acceptance.
2019 Amber is still Christian, still a pianist, sketcher, writer, bookworm, nature-lover, gamer, lover of languages, thirsty for learning new things, dedicated to staying physically fit.
2019 Amber has realized the Bible is more nuanced than first blush, that God is bigger than they imagined. 2019 Amber has allowed meditation and Buddhism to have a place in their life. They have discovered and embraced minimalism. They have a bachelor's with a minor, and a full resumé.
2019 Amber is okay speaking without constant over-analysis, acting without the need for their actions to be "feminine" or perfectly thought out. They're okay with not fitting in, they're okay with holding things and people loosely-- acknowledging that the ebb and flow of life is natural and good. Showing emotion is still hard, but is a work in progress.
2019 Amber still doesn't know what it means to be themselves-- still doesn't know where natural self ends and trained self starts. They still don't completely know who they are, but they are healthier, more at ease, stronger, wiser, more determined, more real.
Hello, 2020. This last year has been rough, but I am ready for you.
Hello, 20's. This last decade has been a roller coaster of a ride, and I am ready to grow even more.
2016 Amber was dissatisfied with being single. She did something 2009 would have balked at-- she tried the dating scene. She was even more dissatisfied with the dating scene than being single.
2017 Amber became comfortable with the idea of being single, and staying single--another concept 2009 Amber would have balked at. She began making plans for the first time assuming that she wouldn't get married in the remotely near future, and it was invigorating and freeing.
2017 Amber also didn't know what on earth she wanted to do. She'd had nine jobs in the last eight years, she wanted something to stick with for a while that could support her while making art.
So she settled for a steady, simple, low-energy office job. She did well-- going from data entry to accounting in a year. It was the first job she felt content in for that long. It still is, which feels weird to say. 2009 Amber would have been appalled at how little it has to do with any of my passions. But it supports and allows for my passions.
The last couple years have been full of even more growth. Reconciling faith with spectrums of gender and sexuality, realizing that, once again, things are not as straight-forward as they had seemed ten years ago.
Reconciling that people can and will cause pain, no matter who they are or what their intentions are. That healing starts in the self and with acceptance.
2019 Amber is still Christian, still a pianist, sketcher, writer, bookworm, nature-lover, gamer, lover of languages, thirsty for learning new things, dedicated to staying physically fit.
2019 Amber has realized the Bible is more nuanced than first blush, that God is bigger than they imagined. 2019 Amber has allowed meditation and Buddhism to have a place in their life. They have discovered and embraced minimalism. They have a bachelor's with a minor, and a full resumé.
2019 Amber is okay speaking without constant over-analysis, acting without the need for their actions to be "feminine" or perfectly thought out. They're okay with not fitting in, they're okay with holding things and people loosely-- acknowledging that the ebb and flow of life is natural and good. Showing emotion is still hard, but is a work in progress.
2019 Amber still doesn't know what it means to be themselves-- still doesn't know where natural self ends and trained self starts. They still don't completely know who they are, but they are healthier, more at ease, stronger, wiser, more determined, more real.
Hello, 2020. This last year has been rough, but I am ready for you.
Hello, 20's. This last decade has been a roller coaster of a ride, and I am ready to grow even more.
